Part 2 Connecting to the New Life.

I was now a bachelor!   No more nodding to Mr. Rogan my next door neighbor who for some strange reason sat on a red white and blue lawn chair sunbathing  in the middle of his drive way listening to Pavarotti sing Pagliacci.  Or go over to the Bluestone's and talk for four hours about the new lawn chairs they put  around the pool.


 None of this happy normal shit for me.    No, man, there's still hair on my head, I have six pack abs. And I can see the kind of life that's just waiting for me out there!!!

First I needed to find that cool bachelor pad where  women will know the second they step into the pad that the Gap Shirt Circa 1995 I wear is a ruse.  I did up a sketch for the  kind of pad I was looking for.

Shouldn't be a problem.  Next day, I went on Craigslist.   After scrolling down the romance section and saying that would have to wait I clicked on the Apts/Housing.  And boom.  I found it.  One of a Kind Apartment!

$2350  - One Of A KIND! VERY COZY-- NO FEE -

Immediately I found something that interested me.  A one-of-a-kind apartment.   That's what I want  Something no one else has.  Something that is not two of a kind, but one of a kind. And it was cozy.  The ad said no broker fee. So I called the number and got someone  named Ari.  He had an accent that I sensed was Israeli.   Israeli and no-fee.  Hmm, didn't seem to go together.

I called Ari.  It sounded like his office was in the middle of the FDR Highway.
He answered the phone.

Me:  Hello.

Ari:  Hold on, please.   (He yells to someone else)  Fuck you, too!  (He then speaks to me).  Yes.  Hello. Elegante' Real Estate.  Ari speaking

Me:   Yeah, I'm interested in that ad I saw in Craigslist,.  One of a kind apartment.

Ari:  Which one of a kind apartment?  We have lots of one of a kind apartments.

Me:  $2350.  Cozy.  No Fee.

Ari:   Oh, that apartment.  Yes.  Still available.   But you better hurry--a very nice couple may put in bid today.

Me:  Location says it's in Gramercy.  Very cool neighborhood.

Ari:  Yes.  Very cool. Nice neighborhood.    Better hurry, just got e mail from guy who wants to put a bid on it today.

Me:  What's the address?

Ari:  431 East 19th St.

Me:  431 East 19th St.  That's not Gramercy.

Ari:  It's East Gramercy.  Better hurry, just got an e mail from a Doctor who wants to put a bid on it today.

I ran down to East 431 East 19th St.

I spotted Ari right away.  He was the guy who had greasy flammable hair,    We walked up five flights of stairs.

Me:  Five flight walk up.  Whew.

Ari:  That's another reason why this is a beautiful apartment.  You don't need to pay for gym membership.  Do cardio every day.  You're going to love.  Big love.  Everyone wants this one.

He open the door.

Ari:    Watch your head.

Sure enough, it was one of a kind.   Actually it was half-of-a-kind.

Me:  Hmm, not sure how I can place my rotating round bed, surround sound system, 50 inch flat screen plasma, my hot tub, my red lights for that special moment, my sub zero fridge stacked with Crystal Champagne.

Ari:  No problem.    Just be  creative.

I repeated the same experience with guys named Uri, another Ari and Schlomo.  It seems the Israeli's cornered the shit apartment market in ny.  Every apartment I saw was Film Noir.  Swinging bare light bulb swiping ominous shadows on the wall.  You could hear the voices of ghosts of plain joes sweating the dog day ny heat in wife beater tee shirts, waiting for the hit man to knock on the door and finish the contract.

I began to learn apartment hunting language:  cozy meant  it was the size of a postage stamp.
Quaint meant the walls had vines growing on it.  A steal is exactly that.  They want to steal your money.
Northwest light mean the light fixtures were on the other side of the apartment.  A Jr. One bedroom meant it was actually a studio apartment with a wall and the bedroom was a perfect size for Jr.
And almost half of the ads had one photo.  The lobby.  No photos of the apartment.  That was a strong sign.  And almost every apartment seemed to be over three thousand dollars!   For lots and lots of money you get an apartment so small, the only thing that will fit would be an ottoman.

$2950 / 2br - *Alluring Newly Reno. 2Br Or 1Br W/Lrg Home Office* NO FEE* - Alluring means once you get there they tell you the apartment is sold then show you some hole for a thousand dollars more.

$2300 / 1br - ✭W 80's*SSTL APP*Huge LR*Open City Views!! - (if you lean your entire body outside the window with your feet holding onto the window sill.

$1700 / 2br - CALL RIGHT NOW....VERY BRAND NEW! 2BR/FULL BATH - (EASTWILLIAMSBURG- (East Williamsburg.  Which basically means some godforsaken place  in Brooklyn where you can buy a balloon of heroin with the brand name: The Death Machine.

$2595 Furnished Large Alcove Studio for Rent - 49th / 2nd Ave - Alcove studio means there's a big wall in the middle of the apartment and you can forget getting that 50" HD LCD tv.

$3000 / 1br - **PARK AVE**Massive**No Fee**750+SF**New Reno**Pre War Doorman** - (Upper East Side)--The Pre War Doorman means the doorman is about 95 years old, was too young to fight in World War I, and it will take him fifteen minutes for him to walk to the door as he keeps saying.  "Hold on, hold on, hold on..."

$775 / 1br - great condition safe area. 5 min walk to BC, #2,5,Target. Furnished -Furnished generally means there's bed bugs.  And of course the big selling part is you're  near Target.  

$1000 / 1br - Duplex One Bedroom, Free Dish, Free Alarm, All New! - The Free Dish is exactly that

A  dinner plate left over from the tenants that left.  The free alarm means the next door neighbor will wake you up with his smoker's cough every morning at 4AM.

 I was lost.  Completely lost.   What am I going to do?  How am i going to find an apartment?  I barely can find two socks that match.


I had no home, no family, no dogs, no hair.   And I  noticed  right away I had  the first symptoms of depression and dark  despair.  I began to understand Sartre.

I